I cannot fix my object; it is always tottering and reeling by a natural giddiness; I take it as it is at the instant I consider it; I do not paint its being, I paint its passage; not a passing from one age to another, or, as the people say, from seven to seven years, but from day to day, from minute to minute, I must accommodate my history to the hour: I may presently change, not only by fortune, but also by intention. It is a counterpart of various and changeable accidents, and of irresolute imaginations, and, as it falls out, sometimes contrary: whether it be that I am then another self, or that I take subjects by other circumstances and considerations: so it is that I may peradventure contradict myself, but, as Demades said, I never contradict the truth. Could my soul once take footing, I would not essay, but resolve: but it is always learning and making trial.
Michel de Montaigne, "On Repentance."
Reading
I continue to trudge through Montaigne's Essays, feeling more and more weighed down by the age of the translation and wishing increasingly that I had gone for Donald Frame's, despite — and indeed as much because of — the fact that that would've been all of his essays rather than just a selection. And, indeed, still, Cotton's translation offers much beauty. Of our attempts at self-knowledge, "I do not paint its being, I paint its passage."
Of course, self-knowledge, self-awareness, these are deeply tricky things. As Errol Morris has said, "If you haven't noticed you're self-deceived, you haven't been paying attention." Another way to put this might be that self-awareness and self-deception are the twin sides of a blank coin.
I have observed, sometimes in real life but most commonly on the Internet, that there is a particular mode of criticizing one's self which is self-serving in nature. I hate that. I think that legitimate introspection, therefore, isn't a public act, but a private and personal one. It also serves to point out that self-awareness is never an endpoint but a beginning.
I don't know if I've picked up Capital since the previous post. (I haven't. I've decided to DNF it.)
I've moved on now to Don Cook's Charles DeGaulle: A Biography, recommended to me by somebody on a Discord server. Their grandfather wrote it. It's quite good so far, and it's deeply interesting to learn about a significant figure of 20th century history that I previously knew very little about.
Also reading The Best American Poetry 2022. In part this is curiosity: what's the state of the field in this country? And in part it is because I enjoy writing poetry but generally forget to if I am not engaging with it. Already I have written another poem, and I am working on one right now.
After I finish one of these, I'm going to read something new, something relatively short, and something fictional. I have Kate Elliott's The Keeper's Six on hand, and that should fit the bill nicely.
Music
I have begun to learn piano. I seem to be making good progress. I am slowly beginning to develop hand independence and a sense of the keyboard beneath my fingers. I am currently learning some miniatures by Edwin McLean.
One thing I have forced myself to begin doing to develop the strength of my fingers is to try and use all of them while typing. It's slowing me down considerably. I ought not to have refused to use all five fingers when learning to type while in school. That was stupid.
I have also begun to learn viola. This is slower and in some ways harder — not least because a piano will keep itself in tune; and also bc I have class pressing me to continue practicing w/ piano, where as there is no such obligation motivating me w/ viola. Nevertheless, slowly but surely. I have scales to practice, and for melodies, I have a selection of videogame melodies to work with. Luckily for me, game melodies tend to be relatively simple, but also often beautiful. This lets me dodge all those horrible nursery rhymes.
As for the Twelfth Doctor Fan Audios, we've moved to episode ten. Because of my abbreviated college schedule, I have more time to contribute. This episode is very... domestic in nature. It's smaller in scale. So our approach is akin to a period drama. I've removed some of the extra instruments in my orchestra, switched out a couple others. My ensemble isn't a complete match, but I'm also not doing most of the scoring for the primary relationship in the episode, so I don't feel I need to make a complete match.
We're hoping to have all the music done by the end of March, so the episode can come out in early April.
Other Things
I'm not single anymore. Who wudda thunk. Of course along with the joy of having a new partner there is the realization that I've got a lot of scabs from my previous one, even given the separation of two plus years.
Still. I'm very, very happy.
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