So, last time, I sketched an idea of self-confidence as functionally similar to other forms of confidence in being something that requires "putting in the hours." I didn't, however, sketch out what that means, and it's also the case that it's a little bit more complicated than that. What follows is my attempt to figure out what "putting in the hours" means.
The thing with self-confidence is that one of its primary assailants can be something in the brain chemistry: mental illness, induced by chemical imbalances.
Metaphors for Two Mental Illnesses
I think of anxiety like a cyclone. Caught in its whirl, it takes not only you into its grip but everything around you, making sure that no good thing is ever untempered by an edge of fear and/or tension. On the physical level it makes your body into a source of fear itself: not only the thing that makes you anxious, but the feeling of anxiety itself, becomes a source for it.
Depression is like a body of water, a black pool that one is submerged in, eyes wide open, seeing everything through a filter of despair and hopelessness. It's stagnant waters, occasionally bubbling into rage or sorrow.
The Hairshirt
There's a way of thinking that amounts to a mental hairshirt. It's a constant self-flagellation, a refusal to countenance — truly countenance, as a legitimate possibility, worthy of consideration — the idea that one can be happy, and have good things.
It's a wound that drives its bearer to pick the scab and never let it heal. It can drive people to dark, miserable places, and it can impel them to try and make others miserable, when they see others being happy in precisely the way they deny themselves.
One last remark on this: there's no virtue, no benefit, no gain from self-loathing. There is no positive outcome. It's just going to hurt, until it comes off or until you start to loosen it.
Self-Judgment
The game of self-judgment is a game in which the only player has already agreed to lose.
CBT: Stop Picking the Scab (Method One)
My understanding of cognitive behavioral therapy is that it's trying to get the sufferer to realize, on a conscious level, one's negative thought patterns.
That is, to put it more practically and tangibly than therapy-speak, the objective is to realize when you've started picking the scab, and through this, to learn to stop picking the scab, and begin salving it instead of scratching it. (One specific method: instead of self-deprecating through deflation, to instead do so through inflation. Instead of undermining yourself — ugly, stupid, etc. — go in the other direction: beautiful, genius, etc.)
As one Tumblr user rather pithily put it:
Meditation and Mindfulness (Method Two)
Also noted for their helpfulness in managing a disordered mind is meditation. There's a variety of ways to do this, of course, that exist not just in the Buddhist and Taoist traditions but in various other Eastern traditions and indeed in many Western traditions. I prefer breath meditation, myself.
Regardless of method, the objective, in this instance, is to come to a better understanding of yourself, observing the patterns of your brain without judging them, perhaps (or perhaps not) en route to transcending/abolishing/dissolving the self.
The Claire Weekes Method for Desensitizing Your Nerves (Method Three)
One of the few things that has legitimately helped my anxiety is the Claire Weekes method, which is very similar to mindfulness — my joke is that, somehow, an Australian psychologist independently invented the concept, thousands of years ago.
Her method is very simple: for whatever reason, something sets off your nerves. This is first fear. Having experienced it, however, the next time you are exposed to it, you will have second fear, which is the fear of the feelings that the first fear gave you. The problem compounds itself, and soon, first fear and second fear become indistinguishable.
Therefore, her task is simple: face and accept those feelings, rather then attempting to deny them. Then, live with them, accepting them as they came. (If your legs are like jelly and it seems to take forever to walk across the room — no matter: jelly legs will still carry you, and you will still get there in the end.) Accept them even at their peak, the moment of highest tension. And, gradually, your nerves will begin to heal.
Employing All the Methods
Of course, all three are likely to find their efficacy increased when they're employed in concert with each other. You will observe that these are all actions, that they are conscious processes. That is the nature of the thing.
As for Chemical Imbalances...
There is, of course, the matter that a lot of us simply have chemical imbalances. And while non-chemical methods can certainly help, they are, nevertheless, not actually substitutions for seeking legitimate medical help and acquiring a means of compensating for those imbalances.
It is also true that demarcating the lines of mental illness and their causes is difficult. There is just no method to say "my depression is 45% this, 55% that." It's not possible!
Self-Confidence
Learning not to play the game of self-judgment, finding a place of increased calmness, figuring out how to not only not scratch the scab but how to salve it — these will all, gradually, buttress one's self-confidence.
That said, these alone aren't enough. It will help immensely to have somebody, be it a friend, or a partner, or a family member, or even multiple such people, that will support you in these efforts, that will, when you try and undermine yourself, vocally disagree.
Not only that, but a good environment is important, too. There's only so much progress one can make if you're living in an environment that is not mentally healthy, and there's a variety of ways an environment can work against your own efforts. That doesn't mean those efforts aren't worth making, mind.
It's worthwhile, generally, to do the thing that will make you more yourself.
Dirty Tricks
Both anxiety and depression are beasts with claws and they don't fight clean. That's why it's important to get help, in some capacity or another, from somebody else: anxiety and depression would both have you believe it's no more than a dirty trick, and that one should be able to "handle" it by one's self.
It's a lie. It's a dirty trick, in and of itself. Play one back.
Just One Final Note
None of this should be taken as medical advice, and none of it should be taken as a substitution for genuine medical advice. I am not a doctor, a psychologist, a therapist, or a licensed professional of any kind.
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